On Hesitation

Before I begin anything new, I take a breath and pause.

Taking breath is simple enough - it invigorates and readies me for whatever the new challenge brings.

The pause though is more complex.

At different times (or even on the same occasion), I variously pause to gather my mental and emotional energies, to make or mark that final resolve to cast away doubts about how to proceed, and to once more review and marshall my readiness for the task. Then the pause extends as I savour and anticipate the forthcoming moment of beginning - of moving forward - while at the same time I worry and linger over what I might give up by moving forward into a new enterprise. And it must be admitted that I also pause to examine myself and to observe myself in the act of doing something new. Like many others - I think most of us - I am a self-conscious creature. A propensity for being self conscious - of minutely observing ourselves and our effect on others - is a part of the human repertoire. Not for nothing does our species revel in mirrors, cameras and blogs!

The downside of being self-conscious and of wondering what I would be giving up by blogging is that my taking breath has been more like holding my breath, and my pause before action has now extended for over two years!

So what has kept me from just piling in and getting started?

Well - in my defense, I must say that a lot else of great import has also been going on in my life. And yes, I realise that I could have been blogging about it as it was happening, more or less. The notion of time, events and impressions flying by all unrecorded has induced a diffuse guilt in me - but not  sufficiently enough to induce me to begin my blog: I know that I can blog about events and ideas retrospectively - to retroblog, if you will. (After all, as it is I would have to retroblog about anything that happened or that I thought about before web journaling was invented).

Then too, I have yielded to my belief that first impressions count. I tend to agonise about first impressions - which never turn out as I might have envisaged or desired. Perhaps that is just how life is, or perhaps there is a deeper part of me that successfully wars with careful scripting of life! I  wanted my blog presented "just so" to create that excellent first impression.

Well, that has not yet happened, because I keep on changing my mind on what I want to present and how (I call it "refining my ideas"). So much so that I begin to suspect that if I wait until my presentation is "just so", the blog will never happen! So here is my blog, its appearance all unfinished. This, I comfort myself, appropriately reflects the essential human condition. I will improve things as I go along. To those of you reading this post a couple of years from now - pause a moment to wonder what this blog might originally have looked like.....

And finally - dare I admit that this is my real reason? - I am paradoxically concerned about what I might give up by beginning to blog. My main concern is in giving up and thereby losing any of my privacy.

This of course is at war with my desire to share and communicate (there must be something at play here about being born on the cusp between wildly exhibitionist Leo and deeply retiring Cancer. Awkward to say the least). So I have extended my pause for over two years as I have silently reflected and internally debated with myself about how to both maintain privacy and reveal myself on the Web!

The picture above says it all - that's me - part smiling, part hidden by hair and glasses, peeking out into the sunlight, hands clasped thoughtfully (nervously?)....

Well - I still don't have an answer about how to be at once private and public. Rats! I shall simply have to do as the White King commanded Haigha - "Begin at the beginning, continue until you reach the end, and then stop." Sage advice!

I have now begun. Whew! It should be easier from here on in.